Pretty Bear’s Top 5 Ridiculous Natural Teeth Whitening Treatments

Natural teeth whitening treatments come in many shapes and sizes and honestly, it was hard to whittle down the list to just 5 ridiculous treatments but alas, it has been done. It wasn’t easy, as some people are just ridiculous and will try anything to get whiter teeth, apparently, and these people will then write and blog and even vlog about these ridiculous methods so that other try them and so on grows the trend and on ploughs the snowball of stupidity BUT, I’m waffling, time to get onto, Pretty Bear’s top 5 ridiculous natural teeth whitening treatments! (The ridiculous natural teeth whitening treatments that appear in this blog will do so in no particular order as they are all, unfortunately, equally ridiculous).

The Charcoal Method

 

 

 

 

 

Before I get into this method I think it worth noting that there is, at present, no scientific evidence to reinforce the claims that charcoal whitens teeth. So please, for me and for the human population of the world, stop doing it because when you do put charcoal on your teeth you manage to terrify children whilst simultaneously looking like a nightmarish eater of dreams. The “logic” behind this treatment is that the adhesive properties of charcoal bind to all the bad stuff whilst absorbing toxins and effacing plaque. Many dentists (and bears) warn against this as it can eat away at your enamel and erode your teeth, also, the only charcoal that is safe to use is the non-activated kind. Please, for the love of god, don’t use BBQ charcoal, it’s toxic.

Ridiculous Rating = 9/10

The Peel Method

Moving swiftly onto the banana, lemon or orange peel method. This is a simple one that when overused can actually have some pretty negative side effects. As you all know lemons and the like consist of copious amounts of citric acid, which can quite dissolve enamel like a Berocca dissolves in water. This method consists of rubbing your teeth with the aforementioned peels, probably tasty, but definitely stupid.

Ridiculous Rating = 2/10  (not 5/10 because oranges are good)

The Apple Cider Vinegar Method

 

 

 

 

So this natural teeth whitening method has some grounding in science, which is, you know, good? Apple cider vinegar is currently being hailed as a bit of a wonder product, surprising when you consider that ACV (as if it affectionately abbreviated to) is simply rotten apples and bacteria. This bacteria can however destroy bad bacteria, owing to its high concentration of acetic acid, potassium, and magnesium. Though honestly, brushing my teeth with what is essentially vinegar does not take my fancy, not even a little tiny bit. If you, for some reason love the idea of assaulting your teeth and taste buds with vinegar then make sure to be gentle when brushing (as it is acidic) and please always use a non-fluoride toothpaste straight afterward so as to rid your mouth of the bad stuff.

Ridiculous Rating = 7/10  (because of its bad bacteria killing properties)

The Coconut Oil Pulling Method

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pulling, in this context, refers to “swilling” a substance much like you would a mouthwash. I, personally, find the taste of coconut unholy and abhorrent so please do forgive me my bias. However, I will attempt to remain unbiased in the face of the worst fruit ever to evolve in the universe. To get the very best from this method it is recommended that you spend 20 minutes swilling the coconut oil, which, if my research is correct and 20 minutes is indeed the recommended time, is RIDICULOUS. This natural teeth whitening treatment has long since been popular in India and the east, with popularity now peaking in the United States. It is said to detoxify the mouth whilst cleaning out oral cavities, creating an antiseptic environment. If you thought coconut in foods or in a desiccated form was bad, try swilling coconut oil. Bear Grylls couldn’t hack it, and he eats camel shit and drinks his own piss… You do the math.

Ridiculous Rating = 8/10  (it is antiseptic, but it won’t clean your teeth, and it tastes like hatred)

The Turmeric Method

 

 

 

 

To our final method then, and it is perhaps the most bizarre. Turmeric, yes, turmeric, the yellow king of the korma and universal stainer of all things white. Much like pasting your teeth with charcoal, the using of this method will render the individual insane-looking and as yellow-teethed as a camel whose diet consists solely of erm…turmeric. This spice is harsh tasting and abrasive and if used too often can irritate your gums and scratch away your enamel. However, it does contain a compound called curcumin which can help stave off bacterial infections such as gingivitis, so if you are prone to infections then this might, and I use the word might with extreme caution and apprehension, help. Though you are far better off using Corsodyl and a good electric toothbrush.

Ridiculous Rating = 10/10  (gross yellow teeth, gross taste, abrasive and harsh)

So that just about rounds up Pretty Bear’s top 5 ridiculous natural teeth whitening treatments! I hope you have enjoyed my summation, and if you want to use a more sensible approach find out more here.